SADNESS:

I have searched and searched for a picture that would best depict my many many moods these past few weeks. Sure, I found several faces of sad people but I did not want to attach any particular face to this post. Then, I stumbled upon this one. A simple picture of a tulip waiting to bloom. Waiting, waiting, waiting............................

You see, these past few weeks I have found myself in quiet a depression. Basically, I just wanted to find a dark room and hide away from the world. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I just could not find that happy place in which I am accustomed to living. That carefree, happy, spontaneous, nothing can bother me place. EVERYTHING has seemed to annoy me lately. This should be the time of year in which we all celebrate and give thanks. All I want this time of year to do is GET GONE. Is that just terrible? I am so over the push and stress of holiday. I am so over the push and stress of trying to be perfect. I am so over the push and stress of trying to please everyone. The only thing that I feel I have accomplished by all this pushing and stress of the holiday is a synical and very unhappy Rob.

I seem to have lost myself these past few weeks. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted by the person who stares back at me. That person is not me. What the hell has happened to make me this way? I sit and stare out the window and cry. I drive to work and I cry. I drive home from work and I cry. I wake and I cry.

All I know is that my world, for some reason, has been turned upside down. My moods and outlook on life these days is adversely effecting my life at home. The rare moments that I have to share with my beloved have turned into moments of distance. I seem to have created this void between us. One this is disturbing and disheartening. Yes, I love him with all my heart. My heart seems to be burdened and my head overloaded.

I strive so damn hard to be the best at anything that I do. So much so that I seem to have forgotten to enjoy the race. Maybe I have turned too much attention to the finish line that I can not enjoy the beauty of the scenery around me.

And another thing or two, I miss my friends and family so damn much it literally hurts. My heart hurts to see them. To listen to each voice. To have a gut wrenching laugh. To have lunch together. To cook dinner and watch a movie together. To just sit and enjoy each and every minute I can with them. I so miss those times. I need to return to that happy place, not just for my sake, but for the sake of those around me and those that I love dearly. Yes, I sit here typing this with huge tears in my eyes. I honestly don't think that I have cried this much in years. When I do cry, I try to remember a quote that I once heard, "Tears are to the soul as rain is to the earth." Maybe it is a cleansing. I don't know. I just know that like the "sad" tulip above, I too wait, wait, wait......................................to bloom and be happy again.

unt